Severus Snape and the Dangerous Doorframe
by CandleInTheDarkness
Summary: oneshot for DBCA Reality Bites Challenge. Snivellus checks out Lestrange and Voldy trips over a doorframe. Complete and utter nonsense.


**Alrighty this was my first ever Harry Potter fanfiction in any way, shape, or form, which is why I did it as a parody. It's kind of stupid, but then parodies are anyway. It's a one shot, set I guess somewhere after or around the 6th book. It doesn't really matter.I wrote it for the DBCA Reality Bites writing challenge. It was supposed to be a romance;I guess it sorta turned out that way. I wrote it on impulse and in less that 4 days-GO ME! Last this- the title is completely random...I wanted it sort of like HP titles, you know...Harry Potter and the something something.**

**These were the rules:**

_Required:_

_1. a wee bit o humour. Feel free to mock anything or anyone_

_2. a wee bit o originality -- if I have to hear about apprenticeships or drinking again...!_

_3. A wee bit o fluff. happy endings not required, but certainly appreciated._

_4. The phrase "reality bites." somewhere. somehow. Bonus points for not making it a quote said by Snape or his love interests._

_Bonus points:  
lines--_**(note the ones underlined are the ones I used)**  
_"peanuts are for pansies"_**  
**_"Ron is an unmitigated arse"  
"but is it certified organic?"  
"Your patronus is a bunny?"  
prestidigitation  
"an army of snorkblasts couldn't stop me."   
"But I like chocolate!"  
"Who are you and what have you done with my hair?"_

**Starting Now:**

Severus Snape sat in his chair in the house in the Muggle village. He was bored. That last battle at Hogwarts had been the only interesting thing so far. He sighed as Wormtail skittered into the room. "Hello Severus!" he squeaked.

_He's so bored he's trying to speak. _Snape thought. "My name is _sir _to you," he snarled.

Wormtail cringed. "Yes, sir, yes, of course. Would you like a peanut?"

Snap's lip curled. "Peanuts are for pansies."

Immediately, Wormtail spit out the ones he had in his ratty little mouth. "So true, sir, so true!"

Snape sighed and said, "_Imperio!"_

Wormtail danced around and played the piano. It was amusing.

A shadow shifted and a person entered the room. Snape dropped the curse like it had never happened. "Ah, Bellatrix Lestrange! How nice of you to join us! But I don't remember inviting you in," he said pleasantly.

Wormtail stood up indignantly. "The Dark Lord said you weren't supposed to do that anymore!"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Must have missed the memo. So Bellatrix, what can I do for you?"

Bella sighed. "I'm _bored. _The Dark Lord's lying low right now, so I have _nothing _to do but come out of Muggle children's closets. It's quite fun at first...they scream and run to Mummy and Daddy that there's a witch in the closet."

Snape nodded. "But then you get those curious ones who ask you what your name is."

The dark-haired woman stared at him. "You haunt Muggle children's closets? I thought that was my own effing idea. Demmit."

"Sorry, Bella. I am blessed with a brain." Snape said, his lips curling into a smile. He loved it when she was irritated.

Bella didn't miss his little smirk. When she thought about it, he was kind of handsome with it. If only he'd wash his hair.

A blue stream of light shot out of Bella's wand and smacked into Wormtail, pushing him up against a wall. "Now, now, Wormy, you shouldn't each so much chocolate. You are already fat enough."

Wormtail burst into tears. "But I _like _chocolate!"

"Pathetic thing, really." Snape said indifferently before conking him over the head. "Now, we can have a civilized conversation."

Bella laughed. "As if _you _could have a civilized conversation!"

_She has a very nice laugh, _Snape found himself thinking. "I can too! For example, did you know Mr. Blokeman across the street is having an affair with Miss Tartis on 2nd street?"

Bella went into gales of laughter. "Oh really?"

"Yes!" Snape was quite pleased with himself. "And Mr. Whatshisname on Candy Circle has embezzled two thousand dollars from the Third Baptist Church!"

"Bravo, Severus, bravo!" Bella chortled, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes.

_Crack!_

Lord Voldemort appeared at the doorway.

"My Lord!" They said respectfully, bowing low to the ground. But Bella was still holding back giggles.

A white hand motioned for them to stand. They did.

In all nobility and aura of power, Voldemort swept into the room.

But he tripped on the doorframe and fell flat on his face.

Bellatrix and Severus burst out laughing.

Voldemort snarled and leapt up. "How dare you mock your master!" He roared.

They stopped laughing and began apologizing profusely.

"Ah well," Voldemort sighed. "I'm too bored to torture you."

"Us too. Give us a mission or something. _Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"_ Bella pleaded.

"No. But you could get me some pumpkin juice. Being at Hogwarts the other month made me start craving it."

Snape rushed off to the kitchen and poured some of the liquid into a large goblet. It was really old, but Voldemort didn't need to know that.

Snape delivered the drink to the Dark Lord. "There you go, master."

Voldemort took the chalice and sniffed it. "But is it certified organic? I'm on a diet now," he asked worriedly. Bella and Snape glanced at each other. "I have no idea." Snape said honestly.

Voldy sighed. "Reality bites."

Wormtail stood up groggily. "Yes, sir, yes it does! Master, they're horrible! They won't stop being mean to meeee!" he whined like a child.

Voldemort stared at the 3 of them, his scarlet eyes mocking. "Dear me! Well, we mustn't have that! Snivellus, go into the kitchen and fetch him some chocolate."

Snape began to mutter angrily and swirled around. Unfortunately, he over twirled himself and tripped on the doorframe. "Shite!" He yelled as he hit the edge of Voldemort's heavy oak chair and passed out.

Bella quickly got a bucket of water and soap. She plugged Snape's nose and plunged his head into it, scrubbing furiously.

Severus abruptly opened his eyes and screamed shrilly. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR!"

"Shut it, Snape! Your hair was a living french fry grease factory!" Bella snarled.

Once Snape understood what was going on, he leaned back and enjoyed Bella's scrubbing. "This feels n_iiiiii_ce..." he groaned.

She plunged his head underwater. "Oh, Snapey-poo," she crooned, but he couldn't hear her as he was under the water.

Finally Snape's hair was reasonably clean, so she gave it one last scrub and released him. He sat up and shook like a dog, but he smiled, a real one, at her and kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you, Bella." He whispered.

"An army of snorkblasts couldn't stop me for washing _your _pigsty," Bella caroused, but she wanted another kiss, so she swooped into his arms and laid a juicy one right on his lips.

"Well, well, children! What have we here?" Voldemort said, walking into the room.

Severus and Bella stammered and blushed, but Voldemort just laughed.

Bella ground her teeth. "Oh my gog there's a dementor behind you!"

Voldemort shrieked and screamed, "Expecto Patronum! ."

A giant white bunny appeared before them and hopped up and down.

"Your Patronus is a bunny?" Snape whispered, then rolled on the floor laughing.

"SHUT UP!" Voldemort howled. " STOP LAUGHING AT MEEEEE!"

"An army of snorkblasts couldn't stop me!" Severus guffawed, beating the floor.

"Well...Well...Atleast you didn't catch me snogging a old hag!" he blustered.

"I AM NOT AN OLD HAG!"

**Finis**


End file.
